Language block

Today I have tried many times to write in Portuguese - if I were a writer I would say I have a language block. I wished I were better focused, but I am all over the place and that is the main reason why it is easier to go with English: the language is for me foreign, a stranger that has been conquered, and which I maintain a distant relationship with.

Time has changed last weekend and I am back to not sleeping. My mind floats through different issues at night, relevant, irrelevant, and mostly idiotically dark. Last night, however, I went through a mix of wish list and things that need attention: I have dentist appointments; my hair looks again ridiculous; my car needs to go to maintenance; I need to lose 5 kilos if I ever intend to go back to my pants pre-first pregnancy; I am in need of change work-wise; I wanted to have laser-hair-removal; I have tons of doctor bills to claim to the insurance; the garden of the house is still undone (and my husband doesn’t seem to take notice); the floor of the terrace still waits for the tileman; all incoming mail is still being redirected and therefore need to be informed of our address change; boxes lay unpacked downstairs, other things need to be packed and put away; we need to give away clothes and a bunch of unnecessary junk we keep in the house; I have to follow-up with my parents how the new au-pair selection process is coming along; I have to buy presents to friends that had babies; I need to get to the post office one of these days and actually mail stuff; I have to go back to my daily cream and beauty routine; I need to do more sports; I also have to negotiate some other things with my significant other; e-mailbox at work that is currently exploding and I could go on and on with all other items I was thinking about last sleepless night. Around it all, a general lack of will to get things sorted out. I have not yet reached the stage of pure and simple procrastination, but I do have the feeling that if I don’t start getting things done, I’ll eventually and certainly get there.

I know that all of this sounds like the same old, same old, or my life motto. I know. A false sense of relief comes with the writing, I must admit. And it also forces me to analyze all this. And focus on the real issues. As the HR people love, I still need to look at the underlying issues. However, if I were to find every single underlying issue of my life, I think I would open Pandora ’s box and I am most certainly not going to do that. I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy required. So I reach the assessment and I say that I can deal with each one of those items up there listed, one by one, little by little, and by doing that, at least hope that there will be a point where less things are awaiting my action.

The underlying reasons will just have to wait for major and more drastic adjustments in the future. Meanwhile, I promise I’ll try to be a bit less whining here. And hopefully be able to spit some Portuguese out of my guts.