Time has come

I hate these hours of anticipation. It´s a bit bizarre to call home a foreign land where the language is neither my mother tongue nor my second. And yet, that´s where I call home.

Mixed feelings is not even close to describe what and how I feel. I am happy to go back to my routine, my life, my husband, my house. And it tears me apart to leave my family here for another period of months until I´m back. Everytime is the same, it does not become any easier to handle or to relativate. On the contrary, it seems that every new goodbye, although so well-known to us all, is harder than the last. It breaks my heart to see my parents at the state they get. My mom, the Ice Queen, demonstrates in uncontrolable tears and sobbing (!!!!). My dad, Mr. Polyanna on Prozac, suffers in silence, holding back whatever it is that insists and knocks on his chest to come out by deviating his glance from us. Awfull. And I wait until I am far from sight to cry like an idiot.

I feel pathetic. Everything is so predictable and still I cannot handle it otherwise.

We leave to SAo Paulo tomorrow on a last minute invitation for lunch. We´ll have the whole Sunday and Monday to feel sorry about ourselves and enjoy the pain of the goodbye to come. Monday night I catch my plane back home. Back to that country that is not mine and to that language I was not born into.

I know I sound miserable. And I also know I am a whole lot melodramatic. What the heck, I am one big cliché. So normal I am, I feel so damn special at the same time. For having this lunatic crazy family of mine. For having my country to call mine. And for having a place I can call home. Even if all of this is spread around, I feel that I am privileged to have so much. I don´t have all, but I surely have more than enough.

Good thing is that I go back already scheduling my trip back here. May which is not that far away. If last time I had to wait for a whole year, this time I can´t complain. So, in spite of my pain, I know that I´ll be soon back here. Very soon. And then I´ll have another goodbye exactly like this, or worse, all over again.

Life is indeed charming. Charming.