Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Life of twos

There are two kids sleeping, two dogs snoring and two guards outside.  There are now two episodes of CSI, one after the other. In two different rooms upstairs, two TVs with two controls each.  There are two house staff sleeping in the quarters, and another two who come only during the day.  There are two cars parked outside, very similar in size, engine and type, different in colors.  There are two white chickens and two black chickens.  One of them has had two baby chickens.

When I need to go home, I have to take two airplanes  - no matter the route I choose, from South Africa, to Dubai, to the Netherlands.  If I have to go to Geneva, again, two flights to go and another two to get back.

I am not sure this life filled of pairs is a sign of the cosmos or whether I am just looking for patterns I wish to see.  And so it is the same with life.

The past weeks have been filled with sorrow, too much death around reminding me that we are here on a ticket with an expiry date.  The choice of living far from loved ones is more hurtful when one remembers that any given day one of them may be gone.  For the past two weeks - and here another two - I have been living with the constant fear of receiving a night call that will make my heart race and my life fill with sadness.  As much as I try to remember that the life choices I made many years ago have been the right ones, I can't stop wondering about the life that could have been had I taken a different road .  I suppose this is the thought pattern of those who venture around regrets and doubts.  Whilst death has been a theme of the past two weeks, I realize my judgement is likely clouded by fear.  And I must acknowledge that had I chosen to stay, I would have probably been much too crossed at myself. 

Unfortunately, life is not a perfect decipherable mathematical equation, not like doubles or pairs.  The pairs I see are the constants I chose to look at amidst the chaos, the logic which brings some sense of normality. It is fake, yet beautiful, odd, yet even.  And it is my choice and my view of the world. As much as my choices, the ones I made and those yet to come.

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